Medicine Man

For a man to go so fucking crazy for you that he can’t afford to be a gentleman. That instead of dropping you off at your front door and walking away with a chaste goodnight kiss, he pushes you against it and fucking kisses the breath out of you

I read this book after [b:Chemical Romance|60548747|Chemical Romance (Heartstone #3.5)|Saffron A. Kent|https:i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1646413358l/60548747._SY75_.jpg|95427835] which is not in the correct order but who follows that? Also, shoutout to Phuong for recommending me this book!

THE ENTIRE BOOK IS ANALYSED BELOW

Willow is in a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt and she's clearly not liking herself being there:

I can help myself, and the first thing I need to do is forget that The Roof Incident ever happened. Talking about it and rehashing it is not going to make me feel better

Until she hears the arrival of a new doctor:

The doctor you’re supposed to love and get along with is Dr. Blackwood. Dr. Simon Blackwood

which somehow interests her because she hates doctors.

Her first encounter with him:

He comes down on his knees by my side and I feel the cool, fresh droplets that shake down from his body, falling on mine

was interesting because Willow loves the rain and

I’ve never seen cloth do that to a body before, mold around the bulging muscles like it were clay

has an issue with his pants. She was also unhappy that she wasn't even noticed:

It prickles me that he finds a book worthier of his attention than me

even though she:

The man – my new enemy – who’s wearing the rain has eyes the color of rainy clouds. One of my favorite things

was already noticing him. But an intense conversation between the two of them about how Willow lied about the way he looks:

God, I hate all doctors

has her going back to hating him

When Willow is summoned to Simon's office, she notices his:

I’ve never seen anyone’s lips mold around my name the way his did

lips which I think I would too if someone called my name so well. And because she hates doctors, she openly throws it out:

They spend their days figuring out the crazy. It’s clearly not because they want to help people

that Simon's not genuine in helping anyone. So when Simon asks her questions, she gives sarcastic replies or lies such as why is she there in the first place. But as she leaves she figures out:

It’s his smell. Rain, fresh and crisp, mixed in with his musk

the smell that comforted her in Simon's room was all him it throws her off because:

I don’t like how much I like the way he says my name

I mean if a man like that who smells good does that to me, I wouldn't know how to stop it too.

And she starts liking him. To the extent of:

After that first time when I touched myself thinking that he was watching me, I’ve thought about him, dreamt about him daily

having some alone time with herself.

With a second meeting out of the way that ended up with Willow wanting to kiss Simon, it only got worst when she had an episode and needed Simon's help. She also ended up:

The only reason I don’t do it is because I can’t take leaving something behind

confessing why she was suicidal which messes with Simon's head.

FF, Willow hears that Simon's going on a date and her jealousy causes her to spill her guts out to Simon:

Because I want you. And because I think if you tried, you might want me, too

but after him basically screaming at her for being selfish in wanting to die, he says:

No, Willow. I won’t go out with you. I will not go out with my patient. And that’s what you are

and it seems to snap something into Willow.

She realises it's not her mistake, her fault for being the way she is. To be honest, the entire paragraph was important and these words:

Not being ashamed. This is me asking for help

seemed to have snapped something in me too.

Moving on, Ice King seems to have realised his harshness from the screaming days ago and Willow gets to see his vulnerable side which makes her sad too. But:

His hands wrap around my neck, his fingers spanning the entire length of my throat, tilting my face up

I know the kiss is coming and I'm on the edge of my seat. It's interesting how Willow thinks about:

Touching. The litmus test of attraction

so often as I've never thought of it specifically in this way. And when he said this:

Why the fuck do I want to kiss you?

Move along, get it going, anytime soon now. And we have more angst, more passion from the man because he tells Willow the type of girl she is and I'm just like GO ON NOW.

I freeze. It’s happening. He’s kissing me

Thank you for saving all of us. And what a kiss, is it because of my period? The sexual tension is real. You know it's a good kiss when:

It’s like he’s marked and I realize with the throbbing of my lips that I’m marked as well

Then he messes it up:

While I was dreaming about his kiss, he was thinking about how much of a mistake

I just had to roll my eyes. If I were her I'd kick him in his balls. But that's me, not Willow, in fact she already shoved that into the deepest end of her mind:

It’s just that he’s touching me, holding my throat in such a possessive way that I can’t help but make room for him

I can say even I'm melting because:

Do you know I watch you?

it's supposed to be a red flag but it isn't. Willow thinks:

His strange protective instincts are turning me on so much

and I have to agree with it. Even when he tries to scare her off:

It’s co-dependency. You think I’m saving you and I think I’m the only one who can save you

Willow only has one thought and that is to ride his train. And she does, not all the way but at least she got a seat.

I find it so cute when Simon gets jealous, especially when Willow says either he takes her virginity or:

What is it? A fucking t-shirt that you were going to give it to someone?

And this girl has balls for wanting to have sex, for the first time, against a wall. Simon:

I’ll be so deep inside of you that you won’t ever get me out

says this and I'm once again under the spell. But then Simon, breaks her heart right after doing it.

And he tries to fix it again, repeat. At this rate I'd rather move on but Willow is not me and I have established it.

Because you drive me so crazy, you tempt me so fucking much that I forgot the condom

The first time I read it, I scrolled back to read and I couldn't find it. At least he did the second time round.

There is nothing more hot than:

I widen my thighs for him and he settles himself between them. Arrogantly, like he belongs there

like no one can fight me on this. And there is something twisted about them:

That I want to drink down, suck off his pain, his demons. Reward him for all his hard work. For coming to my rescue even when I don’t need it. On my knees

that it doesn't feel like just an average romance. Because there's this push and pull, go-when-he-tells-her-to and come-when-he-calls, it is frustrating for me to read. But because:

Simon’s always been a fixer, hasn’t he? Always been a hero. He’s a rock. But right now, he’s a brittle one. He could break any second; he’s so stiff. So devastated

I should be nice because everyone has their demons. Willow is brave, she is:

Today as well, my voices are loud, and they are telling me to jump. They are telling me to take a leap. And I’m doing it. I’m taking a leap of faith, hoping that he won’t let me fall and die

because I won't be able to

And Simon fits into the ideal guy category:

His little smirks, his sighs and groans. His heat and his skin. How he’s so patient and wonderful and caring. How he can’t fathom the thought of me hurting and how he beats himself up for the littlest things

except for his indecisiveness which is why I gave this book 3 stars.

We get to see the past of him and why he is so hesitant to acknowledge Willow's presence:

Willow does need someone perfect. Because she’s fucking perfect. She’s a fighter. She doesn’t need someone who’s still chasing after his past and will always be chasing after it. She doesn’t need someone who can’t even accept his own weaknesses, right his own wrongs. Who gets terrified of accepting failure to himself, let alone to a room full of people like she did

and my softie heart just wants to let it go.

A little bit of pushing after she was discharged:

He needs you so much and that’s the reason he’ll never tell you because that’s just the way he is. He doesn’t take failures or weaknesses lightly. He doesn’t ask for help

makes her come to terms that Simon is done with her. And she wants to move on, until she's told about Simon's father's death and she meets him at the funeral.

She was good at that, right? Waiting. Maybe he knew about it, but he didn’t know how to go back to her. After everything he put her through. So, he chose this place. To finally go back to her in death because he never could in his life

for her age Willow seems really mature and that's because she was forced to grow up. Even after his questions, it seemed clear he is done with her:

What did I think? That seeing me today will change him and he’ll tell me he was lying that day? That he loves me?

and so she finds another date.

Are broken, fragile, emotional men a thing to have about? Because:

I can’t breathe. I can’t think. Every little space inside me fills up with this need to put a stop to it. Whatever is making her cry. Or rather, whoever

a few minutes ago I wanted to see him cry but now I don't think so. It doesn't stop with the heart-wrenching lines: I met you and every thought I had became yours. I started looking forward to waking up in the morning And I completely agree with this:

She always loved that. Being watched by me because I would too

because Simon is really close to the ideal Joe Goldberg.

He says:

I can be what and who you need me to be. You make me believe I was born for you

why can't he marry me instead? Yes I would look forward to this too. not for me but them:

You’ll have to come inside me, then. Without a condom. I’m looking forward to that. So fucking much

I would want to be in a secluded island with this man:

And the truth is that being trapped with him doesn’t sound so bad because being with him sets me free

and only because he is fictional.

So my thoughts on it:

The kind of person that both of them are to each other portrayed a growing relationship really well. Given the taboo relationship, the big age-gap, it could have been worse but I think Simon respecting her and being there for her despite her age/problems was one of the best aspects of this book. He never belittled her or put her down for having those feelings. There was a professional boundary that was crossed in the later parts of the book but he stayed true and transparent to her care for her.

Another great aspect was how Willow still got better and fought for herself despite her issues. She wanted to get better, she acknowledged it in her own ways and she took accountable steps to help herself. Her illness didn't disappear just because Simon showed up and I'm glad this was kept throughout the book. She has self-respect and pride which she should have and she deserves someone who would choose her.

And because this is a fictional book and there is no Simon in my life, I melt knowing about his stalking tendencies. There's just something about Willow's importance to him and how much he wants to see her every waking moment. His possessiveness and care for her is another *chef's kiss* worthy aspect I loved. I'm allowed to, because he's fictional and I do know that the recounting above shows me swooning. In real life, I will probably kick any stalker in the balls and run.

That being said and reminding myself that he is a fictional man, I have to be true to myself and point out the red flags. Which is the writing of the smut. It gave off a "young, innocent woman taken advantage of by a old, cunning man" which is really off-putting. I would have been happy just reading about their kisses and the foreplay rather than

And he’s oozing out pre-cum. A white, pearly drop that makes me think of white, pearly gates

The fact that she was a virgin and in-experienced was mentioned so many times I actually skipped past some smut scenes. Age gap is not an issue to me, there are books out there with bigger age gaps and more taboo pairings but putting it in such a way where it seems wrong and yet it is still being done is what turned me off. I don't want to read about princess pussy (cheers to Audrey in the comments for this). I want her to be written about in the right way.

The second problem is with Simon needing professional help himself, which was brought up by his colleague. There is a rule among the counsellors where all of them attend mandatory counselling themselves to ensure their mental and emotional health is protected and I mean this in real life, in the professional world of counselling. But his reaction to him made me think that he is not ready to face it, even though he obviously has severe PTSD. For someone who preached about fighting fears to Willow:

There’s no shame in being a warrior. It’s the most honorable thing you can do for yourself. Pick up a sword and fight. Just reach out Willow

him not taking that step himself is an issue to me. Because he is not staying true to his words.

To be fair to the author, she did have a disclaimer saying it is fictional and some aspects of the book are not accurate and are imagined. Which I think is good enough because she did not claim or promise accuracy. Using a mental illness in a plot is not wrong, it is only wrong if it was supposed to be an accurate recount of the diagnosis of a real person but Willow and Simon both do not exist in the flesh.

Willow had hate for Simon before meeting him but once after she had, it just disappeared completely. It would have been better to see more hate, more resistance before she let him in. But, the obsession with him - I could take it because given her current state in the institution, he's the only out for her. Given her circumstances it is understandable to put her hopes onto him. If what I said above isn't clear, heck I'd look forward to my sessions with him too.

This was my first full length book from SAK and I would actually read the rest IF it doesn't have anything to do with pearly cum or magical pussy. This was readable and I definitely enjoyed the build up and the foreplay but it could have been more better.