The Next Day

Do you consider yourself a perfectionist? Have you ever experienced a perfectionist parent, boss, partner, or community leader? How does this mindset encourage—and limit—growth? Consider Donald Winnicott’s “good enough” theory of parenting as Melinda relays it in the book. Where in your life could you try being less perfect and more okay with being “good enough”?

Melinda mentions that her separation and divorce overlapped with the COVID-19 pandemic. What transitions did COVID set in motion in your life? Have there been other times of large-scale social intensity besides the pandemic that affected you similarly?

There is a popular practice of writing a letter or message to your younger self, offering advice from your more seasoned, adult perspective. Consider this exercise in reverse: What advice might your younger self give you now to support you in future transitions? In the spirit of Gayle King’s sentiment that “aging is just another word for living,” do you feel like you’ve become more fully yourself as you’ve aged, or less (150)?

Throughout the book, Melinda emphasizes the importance of what we do immediately after a life transition, writing: “The next day is when we begin to make choices, sometimes unconsciously, about how we’ll respond to change, what we’ll carry forward and what we’ll leave behind. The next day is when we start to form the next version of ourselves” (4). Recall a significant event in your life, anywhere on the spectrum of tragic to joyful. What happened that day—and the next day? What beliefs, previous experiences, and/or support systems buoyed you as you gazed into the next horizon of your life?

In the parable of the two waves, the big wave’s perspective makes it fearful of the future, while the small wave derives calm from understanding itself as part of a larger context. Do you tend to act like the big wave or the small wave? How does this parable make you think about your ability to predict your response to future transitions? Consider the moral of the story: “Instead of an ending, the collision marks a new beginning” (18). When in your life has that been true?

Melinda writes about the steep learning curve of becoming a new mother, when the axis of her life shifted from herself to her baby daughter. Whether or not you’re a parent, have you ever experienced a radical change in the values or motives driving your decisions? What is it about caretaking (for a child or anyone else) that can have such a dramatic impact on one’s identity?

Think back to your childhood. How did the people who raised you try to protect you from danger or discomfort? As an adult, have you taken a similar or different approach to the children in your life? Did Melinda’s insights about the limits of a parent’s influence over a child’s life resonate with you? In caretaking or otherwise, when in your life have you shown what Melinda describes as “the wisdom to know when to let go, at least a little” (35)?

Who have been the most meaningful mentors, advisors, or sources of inspiration in your personal and professional life? How have they encouraged your growth—like Melinda’s dad did for her pursuit of computer science studies? Are you playing this role for anyone else right now? If so, how do you strike a balance between offering them guidance and letting them learn from their own mistakes?

Melinda cites many spiritual traditions, philosophers, and thinkers throughout the book. Do you have a spiritual practice or community? If so, what support has it offered in your personal transitions? If not, where do you look for community during challenges and triumphs?

Recall a moment of grief or loss in your life or the life of someone close to you. Apply the Ring Theory to that scenario. Where in the series of concentric circles did you fall? How did you relate to the inner and outer rings? The next time someone you love is in crisis, how might you put this method into practice?

Discuss Melinda’s relationship with John Neilson. How did their friendship evolve during their time together, and even after his death? Have you experienced a loss like this one? Do you agree that “grief is more than simply looking back at what we’ve lost—it’s something that propels us forward into a new understanding of who we are and the person we loved” (71)?

Are you a goal-setter like Melinda—someone who makes lists and five-year plans—or more of a “go with the flow” person? If you’ve set goals—big or small, short- or long-term—in the past, discuss whether the path you took to achieve them matched your expectations. For the future, would you consider heeding Melinda’s advice to herself to leave space on her to-do list “for spontaneity and fun and joy. Space for new ideas and new people. And, most of all, space for its own sake, because when transitions come—and they will come—we need to be ready to spend a bit of time in the clearings in our lives they create” (126)?

What does it mean to “be a greenhouse” for the ones we love? Do you think Melinda lives up to that aspiration during John’s final days? Have you ever been a greenhouse for someone else—even if that’s not how you thought about it at the time? Is there someone in your life who has been a greenhouse for you?

How have Melinda’s values and commitments—to her faith, her family, her philanthropy—evolved during the transitions she describes in the book? Have you ever been motivated by your involvement in a cause that is bigger than you? As she writes: “I make myself most useful to the world by standing behind movements led by others rather than trying to start movements myself” (120). Have you started—or supported—a movement that has given you a sense of greater purpose?

Recall a significant dream, goal, or expectation you had for yourself that you set when you were younger. Do Reverend McCaulley’s words resonate when you consider whether you achieved what you envisioned?: “Few of us become everything that we dreamed. […] One reason is that our dreams often can be shockingly selfish” (115). How did the relationships in your life alter your original goal, or your path towards it?

In the lead-up to her divorce, Melinda describes a gradual, aching awareness of what she needed to do. Have you experienced similar “whispers” from your heart, spirit, or inner knowing, encouraging you to make a change that might have been scary or hard? Did you listen right away, and if not—what made you finally heed the call?

Melinda describes her friendships as key to her resilience during transitions, including several groups she’s belonged to—like the Lunch Bunch, the Truth Council, and the spiritual group with Killian Noe. Who are the people you lean on most—not only for support but also for fun? Discuss meaningful moments where you’ve received support or been able to help hold up a member of your community when they needed a boost.

Growing up, did you have any family traditions like Melinda’s dinnertime gratitude ritual with her children? How do you engage with those rituals now? Have you created any traditions of your own with your family or friends?