The Great Dane

What was your favorite art piece from the book?

Liko, an extrovert becomes reserved around Dane at the NNYE party. What might cause such a behavioral change? Have you ever experienced a similar feeling around someone you felt an attraction to?

Dane and Liko discuss Nomi’s death happening after her birthday; that it was in her character to wait until after her birthday to pass. Do you think people can choose when to let go or hold on when they are dying? What factors do you think come into play? 

How do you think a polyamorous relationship might differ from a monogamous one. What additional challenges do you think they faced? How might things be easier?

Sending postcards is a lost art. What do you think we are losing as a society with the advent of electronic communication?

Dane pulls Maisie into a bathroom for her to cry.  Why do you think people prefer to cry in private. Is it cultural learned behavior or an instinct we are born with for some other purpose?

Do you have an “inner monologue” in your head? Does it sound like a human voice? Does it have a gender? Does it have a name? Is it different depending on what types of thoughts you’re having? 

Why don’t you think Dane wanted to ask Maisie about who Liko was? Why do you think it was important for Dane to find him organically? 

Do you think Liko’s rule of putting 24 hours between his impulses and his actions helped or hindered him? 

Why do you think Ethan was so hard on himself when it came to his art? Why do you think we are often our own harshest critic?

Do you think the game would sell well in real life? Why do you think it had such a big cult following online even though it could only be understood by the creator and his kin?

How do you feel about Dane’s relationship with Diane? How do you think Liko’s relationship with her will develop in the future?

Liko experimented with getting rid of and reintroducing his British accent when he came to the states. Have you ever tried to hide your accent in a different place? Would you be the type of person to flaunt it or assimilate into the common dialect. 

Dane talks about the division of labor the three of them shared while running the household. Is this similar to how you might divide chores? What are your favorite/least favorite house of duties? Would someone notice if you stopped doing them? 

Dane redecorates a bit as part of the healing process. How might you switch things up after losing someone? The book says he didn’t erase Nomi’s existence, just gave a new perspective. Is this how you would approach the task?

Why do you think Dane decided to stay in the big empty house rather than move?

Liko took a month off work after Kyle’s death and claims to have changed a great deal during that time. How do you think the death of a family member affects our career ambitions? Do you think Liko’s writing changed after his loss?

Liko said grief doesn’t get smaller. You just build a new life around it that hopefully gets bigger. Do you agree? Is grief a permanent fixture?

Dane has had a crush on Huff for a long while. Do you think he should have told him? Have you ever had romantic feelings for someone you had a personal or professional boundary? How would you navigate such a situation?

When John and Mary are in China, they talk about the different stories of “the man in the moon”. What stories do you remember hearing when you were younger. Did you remember any of the legends mentioned in the book? 

Dane talks about feeling braver and more self-aware in his corset vest. Do you have an outfit you wear to feel confident? What about it feels comforting?

Have you ever hidden a time capsule? What did you put in it? What did the items mean to you?

Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at the same time as Dane loves Nomi and Ethan?

Why do you think Dane gave Liko a baby duck?

How do you think the creation of rituals strengthened the relationship between Dane Nomi and Ethan? Do you have certain rituals between your friends or romantic partners?

How do you feel about Dane’s motto “marry for love, but keep the real estate in your name.” Was the triad’s philosophy on money and assets fair?

How do you feel about the “truth or silence” rule? Is it a good credo to live by?

What made the Schoenfeld’s farm such a healing and comfortable place for the three to continue to gravitate towards and keep roots for so long? 

The book talks about the 6 “non-binary” identities the Jewish culture claims. Why do you think Judaism leaves into the non-binary more so than other cultures?

Do you think God has pronouns?

Nomi always felt like she was in the wrong body but not the wrong gender. Why do you think it’s so hard to find physicians to help with this kind of affirming care for body dysmorphia? 

What is it about gender nonconformity that makes modern society so uncomfortable?

The author talks about children sometimes operating with a lot of on/off switches and not always understanding nuance. Do you remember feeling that way about certain situations as a child? 

Have you ever felt like you have two sides to you? If so, how do they coexist together? 

Dane and Liko discuss what their marriages were like and what they each committed to. What does infidelity mean to you? Do you agree that crushing is human and wouldn’t qualify as cheating?

What do you think of the Greylock Protocol. Would you ever give your spouse freedom to explore an outside connection? 

Dane tells Liko how they handled their relationship status to Saskia’s school. Do you agree with the amount of information they shared? Would you have shared more or less with teachers and school friends? 

How do you feel about the triad’s policy that they only tell her the answers to questions Saskia asks? Do you think they should have shared more/less with her? At what age would this conversation be appropriate?

Dane’s father lied to him about being intersex. Did your parents ever lie to you about something long term? How did that affect how you see the world? 

If your child was intersex nonbinary or genderqueer, how would you help them forge their gender identity?

Did you have any preconceived notions about polyamory before you read the book? Did any of these views change?

After a heavy night of intense concentration, Dane gets out ice cream and jokes at the flavors “The Colony of Grief and the Prism of Abandonment. What’s your jam?” If you were going to make a depressing ice cream flavor, what would it be and what would be in it?

How do you feel about the use of dark humor to address grief? Is it a good way to diffuse a tough situation or just another strategy to avoid? 

Do you think it’s different to lose someone slowly like Dane lost Nomi versus suddenly, as Liko lost Kyle?

How do you feel about Dane’s relationship with Paul?  Were the things he taught Dane about life worth the moral gray area?

After Liko and Dane spend their first night together, Liko thinks to himself “I don’t want last night to be a service”. What do you think he means by this?

Do you think it was wise for Dane to invite Liko to scatter Nomi’s ashes

How do you feel about Nomi taking the binder off to meet the Schoenfeld’s? Do you think they would have taken her in regardless? Do you think Ethan would have connected with her anyway?

Ethan picks the last name Hasen for “hares” if you could pick a name for yourself, what would it be and what would it represent?

What do you think Ethan meant when he said he is “beside love” with Dane? Do you have this feeling with someone? How is that different than feeling “in love”?

Does your name have any cool anagrams 

Bonus question: if you had one ball would you still say “grab my balls”?