Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways

“I can’t write a story about myself as the sad, quiet child of two drug addicts. That’s not how it was, even when it was. To me, sleeping in the car was normal. Better, it was comfy and fun. I loved my bed made of clothes inside a trash bag that I sank into slowly like Uncle Fester from the Addams Family movie. . . . I loved the motels and their swimming pools and trashy daytime TV channels. . . . Nobody could tell us what to do.”

Brittany Means’s childhood was a blur of highways and traumas that collapsed any effort to track time. Riding shotgun as her mother struggled to escape abusive relationships, Brittany didn’t care where they were going―to a roadside midwestern motel, a shelter, or The Barn in Indiana, the cluttered mansion her Pentecostal grandparents called home―as long as they were together. But every so often, her mom would surprise her―and leave.

As Brittany grew older and questioned her own complicated relationships and the poverty, abuse, and instability that enveloped her, she began to recognize that hell wasn’t only the place she read about in the Bible; it was the cycle of violence that entrapped her family. Through footholds such as horror movies, neuropsychology, and strong bonds, Brittany makes sense of this cycle and finds a way to leave it.

While untangling the web of her most painful memories, Brittany crafts a tale of self-preservation, resilience, and hope with a unique narrative style―a sparkling example of the human ability to withstand the most horrific experiences and still thrive.

These book club discussion questions were provided by Zibby Books.

Book club questions for Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways by Brittany Means

Use these discussion questions to guide your next book club meeting.

On page 11, Brittany shares the story of how she was born and that she was conceived through rape. How do you think this impacted Brittany’s relationship with her mother?

Brittany shares that she and her mother don't always remember the same things, or remember them the same way. Have you ever had this experience with someone? What was that experience like for you?

On page 22, Brittany writes, "I don't know if I've ever been ready for anything." Did you find this to be true of Brittany as you continued reading the book? Why or why not? Have you ever felt this way yourself?

How do you think Brittany's mother's relationship with her own parents influenced her relationship with Brittany? How do you think it influenced Brittany's relationship with her grandparents? Before living with her grandparents, Brittany's mother didn't teach her much about Jesus. Once they moved in with her grandparents, religion played a major (and often difficult) role in Brittany's life. How did Brittany's religious upbringing impact her? How did it impact her mother before her?

What did you think about Brittany's experience living with her grandparents after her mother left with Mark? How did this time impact Brittany later in life?

On page 67, Brittany talks about how the Bible was supposed to be her only influence when with her grandparents, but television played a big role when she was with her mother (and Mark). How do you think these two influences contradicted each other and worked together to influence who Brittany was and who she became?

In "One Would Think The Deep Had White Hair," Brittany talks about memory and how our brains try to protect us, make unexpected associations, and even fill in gaps. Did this section of the book make you think about your own memories? Why or why not? How did this book make you think about Brittany and her memories?

In Chapter 4, "The Book of Mark," Brittany shares many of the abusive moments in her life that she experienced with both her mother and with Mark. What did this chapter change for you? How do you think the trauma Brittany experienced as a child impacted how she interacted with other children and adults in her life?

Brittany has multiple experiences with adults who don't believe her or who put her in other unsafe situations. How would things have been different for Brittany if an adult had believed her about Mark? What did Brittany's experience teach you about how we care for children in unsafe situations?

At the beginning of Chapter 5, “Confusion of Tongues,” Brittany talks about how feeling unlovable contributed to being a well-behaved child and not knowing how to be charming as an adult. Have you ever had an experience (or experiences) that has changed how you behave? How did you overcome this feeling?

Brittany's brother Ben obviously played an important role in her childhood and continues to play an important role in her life. How do you think the differences in their childhoods impacted them? How did the trauma they experienced together manifest differently as they grew up? How did they help each other heal?

Living in The Barn was both a difficult and beautiful experience. How do you think living there influenced Brittany and Ben in different ways? Was there anything good about The Barn? What impact did having lived in The Barn have on Brittany as an adult?

After The Barn was deemed unsafe for children, Brittany bounced around to a few places, and even ended up back with Mark. Why do you think the adults in Brittany’s life made this decision? How do you think returning to live with Mark impacted her?

Brittany spends time in several different homes as she grows up, often with other members of her family. How did living in these different homes impact Brittany? What do you think living with someone like her Uncle Jon or her Aunt Ginger taught Brittany? Do you think those moments were more harmful for her or more helpful?

Clay was Brittany's first love, and initially their relationship seemed typical for their age. How did that change over time? Why do you think it changed?

When Brittany's mother left, Brittany went to live with the Smiths. For a long time, it was the most stable home she had ever had. What was positive about living with the Smiths? How did Brittany's relationship with Clay impact the safest home she'd ever had?

What do you think going to college taught Brittany about herself? What did it teach her about her family?

How did Brittany begin to heal? Do you think healing is a one-step process, or a multi-step process?

How did Jeff help Brittany heal? Why is her relationship with Jeff important?

Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways ends nearly where it began—in the car. What was it about those long drives that were so important to Brittany? What does the final section of the book, “We’re Here,” say about how people move on from trauma?

Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways deals directly with the complicated issue of generational trauma. What are the biggest ways that generational trauma impacted Brittany, and how are she and Ben ending the cycle? If you’re comfortable sharing, talk about your experience with generational trauma. Did Brittany’s story teach you anything about your own life?

Hell If We Don't Change Our Ways Book Club Questions PDF

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A PEOPLE magazine pick, Best Books Fall 2023: “A breathtaking memoir about surviving a horrifying childhood; Means...transforms memories...into a work of art.”

Starred review from Kirkus: “This book is an outstanding debut…A harrowing and soulful memoir to be read, savored, and reread."

“Brittany Means has pieced together the shards of a devastating childhood in this powerful memoir. It’s gut-wrenching but at the same time triumphant, harrowing yet exquisitely told. Hell If We Don’t Change Our Ways is a story of survival that left me choked up and cheering.”
–Jeannette Walls, author of The Glass Castle

“The book's lasting impact might be what it demands of the memoir genre. Brittany Means has, at once, created the most readable and the most psychologically rigorous book I've read in decades. I needed the reminder that art can do this.”
–Kiese Laymon, author of Heavy