I Wanted You To Know

Jess McKinley is only twenty-one years old and has only been a mother for a handful of weeks. She expects to hear that the lump she found in her breast is nothing more than a clogged milk duct, assured it is nothing to worry about. Instead, the doctor announces that tests have revealed "evidence of breast cancer."

Jess is a single mother, living with her own single mother. Her father was never really part of her life, and her mother, Caroline, has always made her disdain for and disappointment in Jess's father clear. Jess's relationship with Jake, the father of little Edie, ended when she told him she was pregnant. They haven't communicated since then, and he is touring with his band, hoping to find success in the music industry. When Jess learns the news, she struggles with telling her mother and her best friend, Gemma. The two women comprise her support network, and without them, Jess would be facing an uncertain future completely on her own.

As the book opens, Jess is still learning how to be a mother to Edie, discovering that motherhood is "relentless, boring, and so tiring." And yet essential because, without her, Edie would not survive. In light of her diagnosis, she contemplates getting in touch with Jake, who has never met Edie. In fact, he doesn't know the baby's gender . . . or even if the child was born healthy. Caroline makes no secret of her disapproval.

Jess determines to write letters to Edie which she will leave with Gemma to deliver when Edie is old enough to read them. Pearson intersperses the letters with the third-person narrative through which she relates Jess's story. Each letter begins with "I wanted you to know . . ." and Jess relates the details about her relationship with Jake, her fear of leaving Edie and the reality that death itself is not what is most frightening, the fact that she is more than and not defined by cancer, and that being a mother is the most difficult thing Jess has ever done, but also the best. She shares her lack of self-confidence about mothering, and how to deal with cancer. And tells Edie, "I wanted you to know about love."

Pearson's story is heart-wrenching because of Jess's realistic, pragmatic approach to her circumstances. The depiction of the mother-daughter relationship between Caroline and Jess is particularly compelling. The two women share disappointments, anger, and a history of not communicating their true feelings effectively -- a pattern that no longer serves them. They rise to the challenge of working out their feelings while they still have time, but not without difficulty and new resentments. Each loves the other boundlessly which makes their journey easier and, at the same time, so complicated because their remaining time together is short. Jess, now a mother herself, finally understands what her mother meant all those times she told Jess that she would always be her baby. Thus, Jess works at being cognizant of and sensitive to Caroline's feelings, but must also articulate her own needs, as well as how she wants her daughter to be raised.

Equally engrossing is Jess's struggle to understand her own part in the failure of her relationship with Jake and forgive -- herself, Jake, and her mother. She realizes how much her mother's feelings about the own father projected and permeated her relationship with and expectations of Jake. And knows that she must deal with him on his own terms and learn to trust him for the sake of their daughter.

Jess's unconditional friendship with Gemma is at the very heart of the story. The two young women have known each other since they were young students in the same school, and experienced growing up together. Their shared memories of so many firsts and a future they always believed would be much lengthier bring strength to them both, as does Gemma's unwavering determination to stand by Jess and she that her wishes were fulfilled.

Pearson inspires readers to question their own mortality and the choices they would in a situation similar to Jess's. She relates that as she wrote the book, she didn't realize it would end up being a "love letter to friendship, to women, to life." But that's exactly what I wanted You to Know is. It is a story about empowerment and resolve under the worst imaginable circumstances. It is a testament to resilience and courage when there are very few choices left to be made. And a story about the beauty of surrendering and trusting those we love and who love us in return so that we can find peace and accept that which we cannot change. And so, as Pearson notes, it is both "a celebration and a tale of loss."

Pearson again demonstrates what a powerful, restrained writer she is, elevating her story into a believable, thought-provoking examination of a woman who maintains her dignity and truth in the face of unspeakable tragedy. Yet again, Pearson shows that she is capable of tackling the most difficult subjects with insight, credibility, and compassion.

Thanks to NetGalley for an Advance Reader's Copy of the book.