On Our Best Behavior

What was the most surprising insight you had about yourself or your own behavior while reading this book?

Loehnen says,“We have been made complicit in a culture that we did not choose, in the same way that we didn’t choose the factors of our birth— the tone of our skin, our gender, our sexuality, our place of birth, our socioeconomic class.” Does this feel true to you? In what ways do you think you are a part of a culture you “didn’t choose”? How does this affect you?

According to Loehnen, the way we allow ourselves to behave—and judge others for their behavior—can be traced back to the Seven Deadly Sins, whether or not we consider ourselves to be religious. She shows how we chastise ourselves for choosing to watch television or sleeping in instead of “hustling” (sloth); how we say we’ve been “bad” when we eat a second slice of pizza or cake at a birthday party (gluttony); how uncomfortable we feel when we’re complimented (pride). Can you think of ways that your behaviors align with the Seven Deadly Sins? Do you have a voice in your head—one that is often self-critical or negative—that admonishes you when you are lazy, envious, prideful, gluttonous, greedy, lustful, or angry?

In an interview, Loehnen stated that the process of writing this book changed her. “It’s a process and it’s hard work,” she said. “Now, I don’t regulate what I eat, I don’t weigh myself. I don’t feel guilty for getting a bit more sleep in the morning. For a decade, I didn’t watch an entire movie from beginning to end with full attention; I can now sit without guilt and watch TV with my kids. I find joy in simple moments without constantly trying to improve and optimize.” Has observing the way your behavior—or what you feel is “good” or “bad”—has been culturally influenced changed you? If you chose to see sloth, envy, pride, gluttony, greed, lust, and anger not as sinful but as natural parts of the human experience, what would you do differently?

“We must burn the morality map that keeps us from true self-definition,” Loehnen writes. What do you think she means by this? In what ways do you pursue “true self-definition”? In what ways is “self-definition” difficult?

SLOTH: Loehnen describes the pressure women feel to always be “doing.” The onus of parenting falls on women, as do expectations of caretaking—both at home and at work. How does the pressure to “do it all” show up in your life? What behaviors do you exhibit to “prove” (to yourself or others) that you’re not lazy?

SLOTH: Loehnen points to research that suggests that the greatest breakthroughs happen when the conscious mind can relax and the subconscious gets the opportunity to play; if we cannot rest, we cannot maximize our creativity. How could you prioritize rest, leisure, and play over a depleting schedule? How would carving out that space benefit you?

ENVY: Loehnen explains how we are culturally conditioned to feel a sense of shame about feeling envious. As a result, we “ascribe our discomfort to something else—usually to the shortcomings of the other person inspiring our irritation.” According to Loehnen, this discomfort we feel when we experience envy is at the heart of most woman-on-woman conflict. When we criticize other women, question their accomplishments, or say things like, “must be nice . . .” we are really expressing our own latent desires. Can you think of instances when you’ve been irritated by another woman, and when, if you dig a little deeper, what you actually felt was a sense of wanting what she has? Why do you think that expresses itself as irritation or conflict? What happens for you if you give yourself permission to be envious instead?

ENVY: Who do you envy? What does your envy reveal to you about what you actually want for yourself? How could you lean into that envy to pursue your own true desires?

PRIDE: Loehnen shows how a fear of pride keeps women from expressing their gifts and being seen in the world. She points to examples of public women who have been “taken down” or “put in their place” for seeming big-headed. Can you think of examples of public figures for whom this has been true? What do you think we find so off-putting about women who celebrate their achievements?

PRIDE: Can you remember the last time you said you were proud of yourself? How can you give yourself more credit for your talents and accomplishments? What good might come of vocalizing your pride in yourself?

GLUTTONY: Like so many women, Loehnen has had a tumultuous relationship with her body since adolescence. When she was researching gluttony, she realized that the pervasive cultural fixation on our dieting and the shape of our bodies consumes an enormous amount of our finite, creative energy. She writes, “Fixating on our diets, our thinness, on whittling ourselves down . . . takes us out of our life . . . it fixates on the outside, rather than the inside.” Think about your relationship with your own body. How would you describe that relationship? What has influenced? Has it taken you “out of your life”? How?

GLUTTONY: Loehnen suggests that instead of trying to control our bodies, or even instead of just trying to feel positive about them, we should seek “body neutrality.” What if we saw our bodies as just a vessel—with no value attached—through which we experienced the world? Does that feel possible to you? How could you stop treating your body like something to be punished, measured, and denied—and instead as your soul’s home?

GREED: Loehnen includes examples of women who did not negotiate on their own behalf out of a fear of appearing greedy, spoiled, or difficult. Women are often told that having their basic needs satisfied should prevent them from trying to get more (We often ask ourselves, “Why do I deserve more when I have so much more than others?”). Do you have a difficult time negotiating for yourself? In what ways has a fear of appearing “greedy” dictated your behavior?

GREED: According to Loehnen, there is a difference between “value” and “worth” (worth is an exterior validation: the world deciding what you deserve; value is an internal calculation). How does thinking about your “value” (rather than your “worth”) change things for you? Would you feel more confident negotiating if you believed you were asking for your value rather than your worth?

LUST: “We’re still mired in the belief that a vital sex life while single is good for men and bad for women,” Loehnen writes. She shares studies that reveal how differently men and women are treated with regards to sex, explains how our culture prefers women to be “sexual objects, static receptacles for male lust,” and describes how “foreign and shocking” it feels when women embody their own desire. Does this feel true to you? What messages do you feel you’ve received throughout your life with regards to women and sex? How do those messages disempower or empower women?

LUST: Loehnen describes the body as “a microcosm of the world,” and says that “to avoid the body is a disavowal of the beauty of our humanness, the creative matter of life, and arguably the reason we’re here: to experience the world through our senses, to be fully ourselves.” In what ways do you “avoid” your body? What does it feel like when you don’t?

ANGER: Loehnen explains how women are punished in our culture for expressing anger, which leads them to avoid any difficult, big, or “hot” feelings. Do you avoid certain feelings or emotional experiences? Why? Think of times in your life when you’ve communicated your anger or frustration. How were those feelings received?

ANGER: According to Loehnen, we must “allow anger as part of a cycle of required emotions.” She explains how anger has historically been a force leading to an expansion of rights and that when “anger informs us,” it can be the “energy force that changes the world.” Can you think of a time when expressing your anger has led to a positive change? What do you think Loehnen means by letting “anger inform us”?

SADNESS: Loehnen explains how our culture “exhorts us to be happy,” and describes the ways we avoid, shut down, or shun feelings of sadness. She then suggests that the emotional experience of sadness might be linked to a need to control, writing: “I wonder if a desire for control is why so many of us—men in particular—do not permit our own sadness to emerge.” What do you think she means by this? What do you think the connection between control and sadness might be?

SADNESS: “It is human to sometimes be sad,” Loehnen writes. “Sadness is a gateway to feeling and to life—it must be reclaimed from the idea that it is weak.” In what ways does this ring true to you? Can you think of a time when expressing sadness helped you feel more alive?