You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters, by Kate Murphy explores exactly what you may assume based on the title. Listening is a taken-for-granted skill as many choose or are unaware of it as they engage in conversations. Always forming their opinions and next statement, or focus-shifting questions before the person they are talking to even ends their sentence. Murphy discusses not only the reasons why we tend to not listen but also provides the studies behind and skills to actively listen and respond well. While the first couple of chapters seems like common sense, a few things stand out later on in the book. Chapter eleven, Listening to Yourself, examines our own inner voice. Murphy speaks to the difficulty that most people hate being quiet with nothing to distract them from their own inner voice, but also discusses studies that show that the time we allow our minds to be distraction-free can yield creative problem solving or be thought-provoking, much like the cliché of getting all your best ideas in the shower. “Human beings are by nature problem solvers, so in quiet moments, this is where our minds go” (Murphy, 2021, p. 134). Chapter 12, Supporting, Not Shifting, the Conversation, yielded the book’s most valuable lesson. Responding well to someone’s statement or inquiry may seem like second nature to most but this chapter’s overview of supportive responses versus shifting responses found immediate results when implemented. Murphy describes shift responses, that is responses that shift the direction of the narration to oneself, as “symptomatic of conversational narcissism, which quashes any chance of connection” (Murphy, 2021, p. 138). Supportive responses are more than an open-ended question but focused also on the intent behind the inquiry. Responses that do not seek to influence the speaker or impose judgment are most helpful to glean the information and understand the speaker’s view and point. (Murphy, 2021, p. 138). These open-ended questions can allow the speaker to explore more deeply and form meaningful connections and conclusions. After describing the well-known dangers of a population constantly distracted, Murphy discusses the key to making listening the most powerful tool in your library for meaningful interactions, silence. In Chapter15, What Words Conceal and Silence Reveals, Murphy delves into the concept of being comfortable with silence in our noisy world. Being quiet allows folks to hone into the inner discussion mentioned earlier in the book and allows fully formed decisions free from influence to be noticed. “People who are more comfortable with silence elicit more information and don’t say too much out of discomfort. Resisting the urge to jump in makes it more likely you will leave conversations with additional insight and greater understanding” (Murphy, 2021, p. 192). Chapter 16, The Morality of Listening: Why Gossip Is Good for You, proved the most difficult to swallow. Murphy observes apes and humans need to have a close chattering bond to strengthen a relationship and in turn a community. She describes it as chats with neighbors over fences. (Murphy, 2021, p. 195). Gossip in this sense seems more like a pleasant, front porch, ice tea stirring, “chew the fat” type of conversation versus the vicious world-ending gossip in most teen dramas. Murphy states that “only 3-4% of it is truly mean spirited” (Murphy, 2021, p. 195). Gossip is passing time and gaining information through a trusted source. Granted not all news is good news and Murphy finally gives the readers permission to stop listening when necessary in her final chapter. Chapter 17, When to Stop Listening, allows the reader to utilize their new or freshly honed listening skills to decide what conversations to take part in. Paying attention to body language and one’s own listening limits is also outlined in the chapter. It reads much like the airplane stewardess requesting that we put the mask on ourselves before helping others. Murphy ends by saying even though some people may not seem worthy of an active listener at all times, the energy isn’t wasted and can tell us more about ourselves. (Murphy, 2021). All in all, You’re Not Listening did make these ears perk up and I was able to find new skills to try and also found myself not being as good of a listener as I once thought. A book that dives deeper into listening to ourselves is Julia Cameron’s The Listening Path. (2021).
Kate Murphy’s You’re Not Listening is well studied and well said I would heartily recommend this book to anyone willing to listen. 4.7/5 stars.

Works Reference
Cameron, J. (2021). The listening path. St. Martins Essentials.
Murphy, K. (2021). You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters. Celadon Books.