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Men Have Called Her Crazy: A Memoir
*NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER*
“This book is so many things I didn’t know I needed: a testament to the work of healing, a raw howl of anger, and an indictment of misogyny’s insipid, predictable, infuriating reign.” —Carmen Maria Machado, author of the National Book Award finalist Her Body and Other Parties and the Lambda Literary Award winner In the Dream House
A powerful memoir that reckons with mental health as well as the insidious ways men impact the lives of women.
In early 2021, popular artist Anna Marie Tendler checked herself into a psychiatric hospital following a year of crippling anxiety, depression, and self-harm. Over two weeks, she underwent myriad psychological tests, participated in numerous therapy sessions, connected with fellow patients and experienced profound breakthroughs, such as when a doctor noted, “There is a you inside that feels invisible to those looking at you from the outside.”
In Men Have Called Her Crazy, Tendler recounts her hospital experience as well as pivotal moments in her life that preceded and followed. As the title suggests, many of these moments are impacted by men: unrequited love in high school; the twenty-eight-year-old she lost her virginity to when she was sixteen; the frustrations and absurdities of dating in her mid-thirties; and her decision to freeze her eggs as all her friends were starting families.
This stunning literary self-portrait examines the unreasonable expectations and pressures women face in the 21st century. Yet overwhelming and despairing as that can feel, Tendler ultimately offers a message of hope. Early in her stay in the hospital, she says, “My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.” By the end of the book, she fulfills that wish.
“This book is so many things I didn’t know I needed: a testament to the work of healing, a raw howl of anger, and an indictment of misogyny’s insipid, predictable, infuriating reign.” —Carmen Maria Machado, author of the National Book Award finalist Her Body and Other Parties and the Lambda Literary Award winner In the Dream House
A powerful memoir that reckons with mental health as well as the insidious ways men impact the lives of women.
In early 2021, popular artist Anna Marie Tendler checked herself into a psychiatric hospital following a year of crippling anxiety, depression, and self-harm. Over two weeks, she underwent myriad psychological tests, participated in numerous therapy sessions, connected with fellow patients and experienced profound breakthroughs, such as when a doctor noted, “There is a you inside that feels invisible to those looking at you from the outside.”
In Men Have Called Her Crazy, Tendler recounts her hospital experience as well as pivotal moments in her life that preceded and followed. As the title suggests, many of these moments are impacted by men: unrequited love in high school; the twenty-eight-year-old she lost her virginity to when she was sixteen; the frustrations and absurdities of dating in her mid-thirties; and her decision to freeze her eggs as all her friends were starting families.
This stunning literary self-portrait examines the unreasonable expectations and pressures women face in the 21st century. Yet overwhelming and despairing as that can feel, Tendler ultimately offers a message of hope. Early in her stay in the hospital, she says, “My wish for myself is that one day I’ll reach a place where I can face hardship without trying to destroy myself.” By the end of the book, she fulfills that wish.
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Community Reviews
2.5 stars
It's a little uncomfy for me to write a review of a book about someone's personal experience with mental illness and trauma...but I do have a lot of thoughts.
First, I want to say that I think it is incredibly brave to write such an intimate book about your life and then release it for the world to see. Her honesty about certain parts of her story is admirable, I don't think a lot of people would readily admit the way she got help from David and her parents for her self-harm. The second to last chapter about her dog, Petunia, was beautifully written and made me tear up. You can feel her love for Petunia and the impact Petunia had on her life as a whole. I appreciated her discussion of freezing her eggs and her general curiosity about pregnancy, while also knowing that she does not (at this time) want to be a mom.
I found that the story here was lacking. I thought the parts about her in the mental hospital were strong and coherent, but found that the rest of the content about her life before and after did not fuse well into a cohesive story. It sort of read like a diary entry you write when you are in a particularly self-pitying mood. The only potential through-line of the whole book is her romantic relationships with men, all of whom she believes to have wronged her while accepting basically no responsibility for anything that might have gone wrong. Her high school dating drama seemed so normal (she likes a boy more than he likes her, she wants to make out with an older boy but then the experience is kind of icky) that it is hard to understand why she is even mentioning a lot of it. NOTE: this does not include the relationships literal adult men had with a teenager, those were disgusting and abusive and I even think she might have even been too lenient on their behavior. Additionally, all the discussion of her relationships throughout the book really emphasizes her exclusion of her ex-husband and marriage from this story (which I assume is for legal reasons). While I understand that she likely had good reasons to leave this piece of the story out, you can feel its absence since she spends a majority of the book discussing the efffect her sexual and romantic partners had on her and her arguably most important relationship is missing entirely. I feel the narrative of the entire book should have been different given this information would not be included.
Also, I literally never thought this would be a take I could have, but she comes off too man-hatey in this book for me. Her catchphrase throughout the book is "fucking men". She gets upset with a former boyfriend when he correctly senses misandry from her belief that she basically doesn't want to have a son because she believes she couldn't love him the same way she would love a daughter due to the patriarchy. She is outraged when a millionaire ex-boyfriend accepts her offer to re-pay the $2000 he lent her. She blames men for everything in this book, but basically only has kind things to say about her father. Meanwhile, she describes having an absuive mother throughout the entire book, but then vehemently rejects the notion from a psychiatrist that she might have misplaced anger on men due to maternal trauma. In fact, she writes a whole chapter about how misogynistic this diagnosis is. In this same chapter she refutes a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and is sure to mention that her current therapist also rejects this diagnosis. It seems incredibly unself-aware refuse to even consider the diagnosis received during intensive inpatient treatment. Additionally, it's quite paradoxical for someone who hates men so much and is completely sure she does not have BPD to center her entire life's story around the men in her life and how their rejection affected her.
I also feel like maybe if she waited a few more years to write this book, she would have had enough distance from the trauma to better organize her thoughts and reflect on her experience. She mentions a severe eating disorder in the first few chapters during her intake to the hospital and then never mentions it explicitly again, but does continuously mention how tiny she is and how often people mistake her for younger than she is. I wish we heard more exploration of the diagnoses she received in the hospital and hope she one day accepts even their possibility.
I think that with a bit more time & therapy this book could have been five stars. I hope she keeps writing and I will definitely read whatever she puts out next. This book did encourage me to look up her photography which is really moving and incredibly, I urge anyone who read this far to check it out too.
It's a little uncomfy for me to write a review of a book about someone's personal experience with mental illness and trauma...but I do have a lot of thoughts.
First, I want to say that I think it is incredibly brave to write such an intimate book about your life and then release it for the world to see. Her honesty about certain parts of her story is admirable, I don't think a lot of people would readily admit the way she got help from David and her parents for her self-harm. The second to last chapter about her dog, Petunia, was beautifully written and made me tear up. You can feel her love for Petunia and the impact Petunia had on her life as a whole. I appreciated her discussion of freezing her eggs and her general curiosity about pregnancy, while also knowing that she does not (at this time) want to be a mom.
I found that the story here was lacking. I thought the parts about her in the mental hospital were strong and coherent, but found that the rest of the content about her life before and after did not fuse well into a cohesive story. It sort of read like a diary entry you write when you are in a particularly self-pitying mood. The only potential through-line of the whole book is her romantic relationships with men, all of whom she believes to have wronged her while accepting basically no responsibility for anything that might have gone wrong. Her high school dating drama seemed so normal (she likes a boy more than he likes her, she wants to make out with an older boy but then the experience is kind of icky) that it is hard to understand why she is even mentioning a lot of it. NOTE: this does not include the relationships literal adult men had with a teenager, those were disgusting and abusive and I even think she might have even been too lenient on their behavior. Additionally, all the discussion of her relationships throughout the book really emphasizes her exclusion of her ex-husband and marriage from this story (which I assume is for legal reasons). While I understand that she likely had good reasons to leave this piece of the story out, you can feel its absence since she spends a majority of the book discussing the efffect her sexual and romantic partners had on her and her arguably most important relationship is missing entirely. I feel the narrative of the entire book should have been different given this information would not be included.
Also, I literally never thought this would be a take I could have, but she comes off too man-hatey in this book for me. Her catchphrase throughout the book is "fucking men". She gets upset with a former boyfriend when he correctly senses misandry from her belief that she basically doesn't want to have a son because she believes she couldn't love him the same way she would love a daughter due to the patriarchy. She is outraged when a millionaire ex-boyfriend accepts her offer to re-pay the $2000 he lent her. She blames men for everything in this book, but basically only has kind things to say about her father. Meanwhile, she describes having an absuive mother throughout the entire book, but then vehemently rejects the notion from a psychiatrist that she might have misplaced anger on men due to maternal trauma. In fact, she writes a whole chapter about how misogynistic this diagnosis is. In this same chapter she refutes a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and is sure to mention that her current therapist also rejects this diagnosis. It seems incredibly unself-aware refuse to even consider the diagnosis received during intensive inpatient treatment. Additionally, it's quite paradoxical for someone who hates men so much and is completely sure she does not have BPD to center her entire life's story around the men in her life and how their rejection affected her.
I also feel like maybe if she waited a few more years to write this book, she would have had enough distance from the trauma to better organize her thoughts and reflect on her experience. She mentions a severe eating disorder in the first few chapters during her intake to the hospital and then never mentions it explicitly again, but does continuously mention how tiny she is and how often people mistake her for younger than she is. I wish we heard more exploration of the diagnoses she received in the hospital and hope she one day accepts even their possibility.
I think that with a bit more time & therapy this book could have been five stars. I hope she keeps writing and I will definitely read whatever she puts out next. This book did encourage me to look up her photography which is really moving and incredibly, I urge anyone who read this far to check it out too.
I’m floored that the average rating of this book is so low! Overall, I loved it. I already knew who AMT was going into it so I’m perhaps a bit biased, but I thought it was a great memoir. But then again, most people only read memoirs of people they already know a bit about so maybe my judgement isn’t so flawed after all. My biggest critique of it is that I don’t think the title is very reflective of what’s actually in the book. I thought that the corrupt therapist (who was a woman btw!) was the most egregious mistreatment the author experienced—at least based on what was explicitly written in the book. I think if you go into this with an open mind and zero expectations, this memoir has a lot more to offer than the title suggests.
when i picked up this book i had no idea who this author was. when i read the title, i thought it would be about the way men belittle womenâs experiences and emotions. once i began this book, i thought this book would be about tendlerâs journey with mental health.
actually reading the book, i feel like itâs about basically nothing.
donât get me wrongâif anna was just my friend telling me all this, iâd be happy to listen. but this is a book, and i expected to get something out of it. something i enjoy about memoirs is that whether the story is sad, inspirational, fascinating, or funny, i always feel like i really dive into someoneâs life. i also feel like i gain something after iâm done. i did not feel that way at all with this book.
i donât even feel like i know anna that well, which is crazy because i just read 296 pages of her writing. i also found her dislikable which always makes liking a memoir more challenging!
her writing style just irked me. there were some really interesting parts of the story where just as i got intrigued, sheâd just finish describing it clinically and move on. again, totally fine for talking to a friend but as a book, iâm looking for more⦠some examples include her relationship with dr. karr and having to find a new therapist, having to cut her exâs hair in order to pay him back and continue to see him after breaking up, and her views of her mom and of motherhood. i also found her way of skipping around and randomly diving into the middle of stories, not giving context until 10 pages later, confusing and weird. i also think she wrote this assuming her audience would be people who already knew who she was. i didnât at first so some parts caught me off guard like when she casually mentioned a divorce (you got divorced? you were married?! what year is it now??) or her âprivileged financial situationâ (i thought you were struggling like 20 pages ago, when did this happen??)
i just didnât enjoy the presentation of this book at all.
on page 1 on this book, anna mentions she has disordered eating. this is not mentioned again throughout her narrative of her psychiatric stay. it is not mentioned at all until page 234 where she mentions she has extreme thinness sheâs trying to cover. why mention this in your book that is largely about mental illness if you never actually talk about it?
about 2/3 of the way through, the book makes a big tone change from talking about mental health to talking about dating. she definitely discussed her relationships with men before, but it was mostly in the context of her mental health and self image. all of a sudden, she starts talking about using the apps and going on dates. then she starts ivf? she also randomly drops bits about art into this without ever really diving into the role of art in her life, which i think couldâve been so interesting. her critique about men was interesting, even if i didnât agree with every bit of it, and i liked her analysis of how this played into her relationships. but i was just so confused why we were jumping around with seemingly no thematic thread and not even a purely chronological order.
then all of a sudden, TWO PAGES from the end, she switches attitude and tone entirely!! she is suddenly Healed. she is Good, and Okay, and Okay not Being Okay. she is suddenly accepting of life and of not being perfect. girl⦠good for you but where did this come from? how did this happen?? THATâS what i wanted to read about! genuinely glad she seems to be doing a lot better and still getting help but as a book, i was simultaneously very confused and relieved to be done.
overall my impression: flimsy book thatâs too long for how much substance is actually in it, wish it was more introspective, a few good parts hidden in a morass of boring. had to force myself to finish it.
rating: 1.5 stars
ps sooo unrelated but i hate the cover of this book i think itâs very ugly
actually reading the book, i feel like itâs about basically nothing.
donât get me wrongâif anna was just my friend telling me all this, iâd be happy to listen. but this is a book, and i expected to get something out of it. something i enjoy about memoirs is that whether the story is sad, inspirational, fascinating, or funny, i always feel like i really dive into someoneâs life. i also feel like i gain something after iâm done. i did not feel that way at all with this book.
i donât even feel like i know anna that well, which is crazy because i just read 296 pages of her writing. i also found her dislikable which always makes liking a memoir more challenging!
her writing style just irked me. there were some really interesting parts of the story where just as i got intrigued, sheâd just finish describing it clinically and move on. again, totally fine for talking to a friend but as a book, iâm looking for more⦠some examples include her relationship with dr. karr and having to find a new therapist, having to cut her exâs hair in order to pay him back and continue to see him after breaking up, and her views of her mom and of motherhood. i also found her way of skipping around and randomly diving into the middle of stories, not giving context until 10 pages later, confusing and weird. i also think she wrote this assuming her audience would be people who already knew who she was. i didnât at first so some parts caught me off guard like when she casually mentioned a divorce (you got divorced? you were married?! what year is it now??) or her âprivileged financial situationâ (i thought you were struggling like 20 pages ago, when did this happen??)
i just didnât enjoy the presentation of this book at all.
on page 1 on this book, anna mentions she has disordered eating. this is not mentioned again throughout her narrative of her psychiatric stay. it is not mentioned at all until page 234 where she mentions she has extreme thinness sheâs trying to cover. why mention this in your book that is largely about mental illness if you never actually talk about it?
about 2/3 of the way through, the book makes a big tone change from talking about mental health to talking about dating. she definitely discussed her relationships with men before, but it was mostly in the context of her mental health and self image. all of a sudden, she starts talking about using the apps and going on dates. then she starts ivf? she also randomly drops bits about art into this without ever really diving into the role of art in her life, which i think couldâve been so interesting. her critique about men was interesting, even if i didnât agree with every bit of it, and i liked her analysis of how this played into her relationships. but i was just so confused why we were jumping around with seemingly no thematic thread and not even a purely chronological order.
then all of a sudden, TWO PAGES from the end, she switches attitude and tone entirely!! she is suddenly Healed. she is Good, and Okay, and Okay not Being Okay. she is suddenly accepting of life and of not being perfect. girl⦠good for you but where did this come from? how did this happen?? THATâS what i wanted to read about! genuinely glad she seems to be doing a lot better and still getting help but as a book, i was simultaneously very confused and relieved to be done.
overall my impression: flimsy book thatâs too long for how much substance is actually in it, wish it was more introspective, a few good parts hidden in a morass of boring. had to force myself to finish it.
rating: 1.5 stars
ps sooo unrelated but i hate the cover of this book i think itâs very ugly
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