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It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People
INSTANT NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER
From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism
AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day they draw you in with their charm and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you wondering, What should I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani explains in It’s Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.
Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.
Drawing on more than two decades of studying the landscape of narcissism and working with survivors, Dr. Ramani explores how narcissists hijack our well-being and offers a healing path forward. Unpacking the oft-misunderstood personality, she reveals the telltale behavioral patterns that indicate you may be dealing with a narcissist. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle, grieve the loss of these painful relationships, create and maintain realistic boundaries, discern unhelpful behaviors from narcissistic behaviors, and recover your sense of self after constant invalidation.
Thriving after, or even during, a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but It’s Not You shows you it is possible. Dr. Ramani invites you to stop blaming yourself and trying to change the narcissistic person, and to start giving yourself permission to let go of their hold on you and finally embrace your true self.
From clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic relationships Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a guide to protecting and healing yourself from the daily harms of narcissism
AN OPEN FIELD PUBLICATION FROM MARIA SHRIVER
It’s not always easy to tell when you’re dealing with a narcissistic person. One day they draw you in with their charm and charisma, the next they gaslight you, wreck your self-esteem, and leave you wondering, What should I have done differently? As Dr. Ramani explains in It’s Not You, the answer is: absolutely nothing.
Just as a tiger can’t change its stripes, a narcissist will not stop manipulating and invalidating you, no matter how much you try to appease them. The first step toward healing from their toxic influence—and to protect yourself from future harm—is to accept that you are not to blame for their behavior.
Drawing on more than two decades of studying the landscape of narcissism and working with survivors, Dr. Ramani explores how narcissists hijack our well-being and offers a healing path forward. Unpacking the oft-misunderstood personality, she reveals the telltale behavioral patterns that indicate you may be dealing with a narcissist. Along the way, you’ll learn how to become gaslight resistant, chip away at the trauma bonds that keep you stuck in the cycle, grieve the loss of these painful relationships, create and maintain realistic boundaries, discern unhelpful behaviors from narcissistic behaviors, and recover your sense of self after constant invalidation.
Thriving after, or even during, a narcissistic relationship can be challenging, but It’s Not You shows you it is possible. Dr. Ramani invites you to stop blaming yourself and trying to change the narcissistic person, and to start giving yourself permission to let go of their hold on you and finally embrace your true self.
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Community Reviews
I really appreciated this book and the door it opens to the healing journey when one crosses paths with a narcissist in their life. The impact a narcissist can make in one's life through their patterns and manipulation, the forgiveness you give yourself for allowing/enabling the presences and how to nagivate these intercations in the future are just some of the key lessons the author guides the reader. It can be alot to process all at once in a read, so I suggest confronting each chapter one by one. It will teach you how to make space for yourself again and how to handle triggers. This is a great read to understand what someone goes through when a family member, intimate relationship, friendship or work atmosphere is surrounded with the control of a narcissist.
Dr. Ramani has been one of my favorite YouTube people for the last year. I didn't know anything about narcissists in the clinical sense when I was in my last marriage, until my daughter clued me in about them because she was working on a documentary about them. BTW, my kids had been worried about me for a long time while I was in that marriage. I love that this book doesn't really focus on the narcissist. Instead, it focuses on the effect the narcissist has on their victims, and how we can grow back into being healthy people. We learn why our backstory made us susceptible, and what effect all this had on us. Learning that, acknowledging that, sets us up to accept ourselves and let us move through all our experiences.
I wish this book had been written a bit sooner, but even though I'm a year out from the separation, it's a great help. (Isn't it odd - I measure things from the most abusive occurrence, the flip-out, the separation, the divorce, the harassing email, the crime... but soon I'll be measuring things from my events, not "his," like since I moved, since I got in therapy, since I got back in my sport...)
I wish this book had been written a bit sooner, but even though I'm a year out from the separation, it's a great help. (Isn't it odd - I measure things from the most abusive occurrence, the flip-out, the separation, the divorce, the harassing email, the crime... but soon I'll be measuring things from my events, not "his," like since I moved, since I got in therapy, since I got back in my sport...)
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