How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)
In this tightly wound, enthralling story reminiscent of Agatha Christie's works, Lo Blacklock, a journalist who writes for a travel magazine, has just been given the assignment of a lifetime: a week on a luxury cruise with only a handful of cabins. The sky is clear, the waters calm, and the veneered, select guests jovial as the exclusive cruise ship, the Aurora, begins her voyage in the picturesque North Sea. At first Lo's stay is nothing but pleasant: The cabins are plush, the dinner parties are sparkling, and the guests are elegant. But as the week wears on, frigid winds whip the deck, gray skies fall, and Lo witnesses what she can describe only as a dark and terrifying nightmare: a woman being thrown overboard. The problem? All passengers remain accounted for - and so the ship sails on as if nothing has happened, despite Lo's desperate attempts to convey that something (or someone) has gone terribly, terribly wrong.
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Community Reviews
“A person’s a person, no matter how small.”
I’ve read a handful of books about raising a kid. I have a kid, I enjoy reading books, it’s a natural fit. Turns out, there’s a lot of good stuff out there. But this book is a genre buster. A book about raising children that also pulls back the curtain on who we are as people. I think I nodded emphatically to myself more as I read this book than anything else I’ve ever read.
It starts with an impossibly simple premise: Little kids are people.
Despite this obvious fact, we do not use any of the rules for how to treat people when we interact with kids. For instance, people do not like being arbitrarily commanded to do things, but the minute we have a kid this becomes our default approach to communication. What other way?
Ideas for how you can guide kids in the right direction:
1. Tell them how you feel (Why do we never do this with kids! They totally care how we feel!)
2. Acknowledge how they feel or let them draw how they feel.
3. Make something into a game (talking toothbrush).
4. Put them in charge (e.g., let them make a rule and then enforce it)
5. Write them a note – even if they can’t read it yet, it changes their interaction with the message, now they’re curious.
6. Use a single word noun instead of a command so that they fill in the blanks (e.g., instead of put on your seatbelt, just say seatbelt). It’s empowering.
What happens when this doesn’t work?
Punishments don’t really work. In most cases kids value the activity more than the punishment. The only cases where this is not so is when kids are physically afraid of their parents which is bad. Also kids learn to deal with problems by attacking people which is bad.
Rewards don’t work either. The corollary to you get a prize if you do what I say is you don’t get a prize unless you do what I say.
So what to do instead?
Cooperative approach to solving the problem. You can mention things about safety or your feelings and invite help resolving the conflict. In cases where something must be done, offer a suggestion - do you want to apologize? If you need to take action, do so without insult. We need to leave the park, I don’t feel safe. Let’s try again tomorrow.
Tools for praise and appreciation.
Use descriptive praise - describe what you see and the effect on others, effort and progress. This is better than the general statements of praise (e.g., you are so smart, that was amazing) which can lead to worries about maintaining a ‘perfect’ status or a feeling of inauthenticity things. Do not praise by comparison, for reasons that are probably obvious.
Tough situations:
Eating dinner - give the kid bounded autonomy- let them pick how much to eat of what’s available. It works better than you would think it would. Totally true!
Getting ready in the morning - fun and game approach, no one likes to be commanded. Socks eating feet seems popular. I have started doing this and man Alice does not want to put on pants but when those pants want to eat her leg she can’t get enough of pants.
Compromise and sharing - name feelings and don’t impose a split for the kids. Let them work things out for a while.
Shyness - talk about feelings, make it a game (puppet), explain that “child” will join you when she is ready, so they are not responding to a label.
I’ve read a handful of books about raising a kid. I have a kid, I enjoy reading books, it’s a natural fit. Turns out, there’s a lot of good stuff out there. But this book is a genre buster. A book about raising children that also pulls back the curtain on who we are as people. I think I nodded emphatically to myself more as I read this book than anything else I’ve ever read.
It starts with an impossibly simple premise: Little kids are people.
Despite this obvious fact, we do not use any of the rules for how to treat people when we interact with kids. For instance, people do not like being arbitrarily commanded to do things, but the minute we have a kid this becomes our default approach to communication. What other way?
Ideas for how you can guide kids in the right direction:
1. Tell them how you feel (Why do we never do this with kids! They totally care how we feel!)
2. Acknowledge how they feel or let them draw how they feel.
3. Make something into a game (talking toothbrush).
4. Put them in charge (e.g., let them make a rule and then enforce it)
5. Write them a note – even if they can’t read it yet, it changes their interaction with the message, now they’re curious.
6. Use a single word noun instead of a command so that they fill in the blanks (e.g., instead of put on your seatbelt, just say seatbelt). It’s empowering.
What happens when this doesn’t work?
Punishments don’t really work. In most cases kids value the activity more than the punishment. The only cases where this is not so is when kids are physically afraid of their parents which is bad. Also kids learn to deal with problems by attacking people which is bad.
Rewards don’t work either. The corollary to you get a prize if you do what I say is you don’t get a prize unless you do what I say.
So what to do instead?
Cooperative approach to solving the problem. You can mention things about safety or your feelings and invite help resolving the conflict. In cases where something must be done, offer a suggestion - do you want to apologize? If you need to take action, do so without insult. We need to leave the park, I don’t feel safe. Let’s try again tomorrow.
Tools for praise and appreciation.
Use descriptive praise - describe what you see and the effect on others, effort and progress. This is better than the general statements of praise (e.g., you are so smart, that was amazing) which can lead to worries about maintaining a ‘perfect’ status or a feeling of inauthenticity things. Do not praise by comparison, for reasons that are probably obvious.
Tough situations:
Eating dinner - give the kid bounded autonomy- let them pick how much to eat of what’s available. It works better than you would think it would. Totally true!
Getting ready in the morning - fun and game approach, no one likes to be commanded. Socks eating feet seems popular. I have started doing this and man Alice does not want to put on pants but when those pants want to eat her leg she can’t get enough of pants.
Compromise and sharing - name feelings and don’t impose a split for the kids. Let them work things out for a while.
Shyness - talk about feelings, make it a game (puppet), explain that “child” will join you when she is ready, so they are not responding to a label.
I might come back to review this properly but this is ESSENTIAL reading for anybody who cares even the tiniest bit about children and young people, and how our actions, words and thoughts could possibly make the biggest difference. I've seen this book referenced in the other parenting and child care books I've been listening to, so I knew it would be a good one but IT IS GOOD.
I would like to buy this book (I listened to the audiobook, which was really helpful for HEARING the tools and techniques in action) and, for the first time in my adult life, I would like to go through and annotate with sticky notes and everything. This could very well be my go-to reference material for the next few years as my niece and nephews grow up.
I would like to buy this book (I listened to the audiobook, which was really helpful for HEARING the tools and techniques in action) and, for the first time in my adult life, I would like to go through and annotate with sticky notes and everything. This could very well be my go-to reference material for the next few years as my niece and nephews grow up.
So honesty I don’t really like how this book says to talk to kids. I feel like my child is not going to listen to me if I don’t raise my voice at him because of how his dad is with him. I will try these things but since he is around all different types of adults, most that spoil him crazy, he doesn’t listen to soft parenting. We will give it a try though.
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