Forever Is Now

A brilliant novel-in-verse that wonderfully relates the hardships of having an anxiety disorder, of suffering from agoraphobia, and of being Black in America. This book is very funny, real, and deep. It can get dark, showing Sadie’s spiraling thoughts and self-hate, the falseness of anxiety that feels like truth in those suffering from it. Personal heartbreak and witnessing an incident that sparks BLM protests in Oakland, California send Sadie Dixon into a panic attack. She talks with her therapist and gets a diagnosis on top of her generalized anxiety disorder: agoraphobia. The book does such a good job of showing how intrusive thoughts of worst-case scenarios have a physiological response. Sadie’s healing journey isn’t a steady incline, and her limitations affect those around her. Her younger, middle school age brother doesn’t fully understand how her agoraphobia works and feels like Sadie isn’t there for him when he needs her, like his cooking showcase. The book explores familial and friend reactions to mental health and personal decisions and that sometimes the first reaction isn’t healthy. Everyone is still trying to be a better person and grappling with different points of view. Sadie is really involved in activism both in words on the fictional activism TikTok-like app Ruckus and with actions, organizing events to help get people behind Corinne May, the Black lady wrongfully attacked and arrested by the police mentioned above. She battles with how mental health limits her, learning when to stop, when to get through things. Sadie shares part of her mental health journey on the app and later decides to frame her live videos around Black joy. This is a healthy decision for her and connects with so many people. She writes poems and encourages others to share their joy. Sadie is bi and experiences a bit of biphobia. She thinks her mom is way too encouraging of her dating a boy and is sensitive from her mom’s past biphobia. Her nonbinary friend Evan tries to steer her into a dating focus on women, which Sadie and Evan’s aunt call them out on. They learn and realize their mistakes. Other people making someone’s personal identity their own business is one of the themes of this book. As is finding healing from trauma, healthy and unhealthy ways to seek safety, and honesty to oneself and to others. It’s a really good book. The book contains so many moving passages, and one in particular really struck home for me. It’s not about chronic illness and chronic pain, but the words themselves ring true to what I feel a lot with my health. Like something was finally articulated that was only feeling and un-worded fear. Having chronic pain isn’t the same as agoraphobia, but this passage that ends chapter 10 in my review copy hit home so hard. “This is what I can’t explain the endless cycle the good day rolled into the next bad one the confidence rolled into a doomed pattern of thought. What I can’t say to Mom or Dad to Charlie or Evan what I dare not say even to myself sometimes is: What if I can’t do this at all? What if I’m not meant to survive this much pain? How do I get through this thick, dark water?” Sadie and I are both learning to take it one day at a time, to progress through our limitations, to listen to our bodies, to see the people around us as our community. 10/10 stars. Easiest rating I’ve ever had to do. Ebook review copy provided by NetGalley, not sponsored.